Do you love me… if so how much?

So I’m sitting in the lorry and it’s raining hard outside on a grey and quite frankly a rather bleak Sunday. I’ve decided to bring along my laptop as I want to kill time waiting for my class. I want to see if I can blog while I’m out and write something worthwhile in a limited time.

Lately I have been wondering what life would be like without horses. This thought doesn’t happen very often but recent events have made me ask myself if I would actually cope in a horseless world. A few nights ago in bed my boyfriend turned to me and quite seriously asked… ‘Do you love me as much as you love Wanda’ (Wanda is my horse). I have to admit I was half asleep when he inquired but I had to think to construct a romantically acceptable answer. ‘Of course I love you’ I thought as I struggled for the next sentence… ‘But Wanda needs me to feed her and look after her.’

At that point my inner cringe factor was at 100%. Had I subliminally admitted that I loved my horse more than my partner? Nothing else was said that night; I went to sleep, still wondering if I could have found a more subtle way of putting into words ….Sorry mate but the horse comes first.

The horse / love thing has been playing on my mind today even more so. I’ve left my 3 kids (6, 4 and 1 years old) with dear boyfriend to come out and compete. Today I have mixed emotions, I have guilt for not spending time with my kids but I’m starting to buzz with excitement as I know I get to jump soon. Is it right to do what I do? Should I be at home with the kids cooking Sunday lunch? Is this the bane of contemporary motherhood, the feeling that enough is never enough?

At this point Wanda is now banging merry hell out of the lorry and my pseudo pensive moment has almost completely gone. However, I think boyfriend is a bit of a secret Yoda or supplier of top caveats. I asked him if he minded me taking out so much time to ride ‘riding is your sanctuary Nick; you need to go do it’. And he was right, it’s the thing above all things that embodies who I am, the reason why I run myself ragged, the reason why I’m prepared to head off without my kids for the day. Because without a horse, I wouldn’t be me, and there is no way I’d be here writing this. Horses are indeed my sanctuary and my life is a lot better with than without them.

Jumping at Carlton. Photo By Cala Russell

Photo by kind permission of Cala Russell

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